Live In The Moment: Why It's Okay To Not Want A Relationship
Sep 20, Reframing Relationship Fear: Living and Loving in the Moment . and going through my own daily life, that fear creeps in and reminds me that at any moment, life Not in dating or marriage or in any other sort of relationship. Nov 1, Living in the moment—also called mindfulness—is a state of active, open, Instead of letting your life go by without living it, you awaken to. It's three weeks into dating and his profile's up, you let it go. It's not about finding out in week 1 whether he wants to live in the city or the country, or hoping he.
Months ago, while having a conversation about love, my mother said to me, "Don't rush falling in love because the moment you do, everything changes right away. The direction of your life, your decisions and choices and the rest of your life will all change in one moment.
I could not imagine that something so powerful could or would ever happen to me, let alone change the course and direction of my life in a way that I could not ever have imagined.
And so, as things happen, I fell in love, and as my mother said it would, my entire life path and direction changed in what felt like a moment. And it wasn't that I suddenly felt like I had all these new decisions to make. Instead, it felt like my life just changed paths and it was my job to catch up and take each next step as it presented itself.
Live In The Moment: Why It’s Okay To Not Want A Relationship
It felt like I was walking in the dark, in some ways, because it was and continues to be uncharted territory. I have indeed experienced and continue to experience all of those things.
I have felt more love expanding in my heart than I ever knew even existed and I have found myself experiencing every feeling on a level so deep that in lots of ways, it's not possible to explain it. There have been happy tears, deep conversations, intimate sharing and everything else that goes with that.
But the one thing that has surprised me more than anything -- and the one thing I truly did not and still do not feel prepared for was the deep feeling of complete fear that as quickly as I "found" love, that I could "lose" it. I never imagined for a second that in the midst of all these amazing feelings of deep gratitude and love could be a fear so strong that at times, it brings me to my knees, feeling breathless and completely out of control, bringing to the surface all my deeper fears and insecurities and giving me yet another opportunity to allow myself to reach the biggest level of vulnerability that I have ever felt in my life.
It really never occurred to me, in all my fantasies, that love and fear could exist together, but what I am learning is that there really never is a safety net. Maybe part of me thought that once I was experiencing such an amazing and loving relationship, that all the fear of being alone or hurt would all go to the wayside.
And part of being in love does feel like that. Most times when I am laying in my boyfriend's arms, the only thing I feel is love.
I feel safe and held and positive and hopeful, completely secure in our dynamic and knowing and truly feeling that nothing outside of us even matters.
But other times, when I am alone and going through my own daily life, that fear creeps in and reminds me that at any moment, life can change rapidly.
When I first felt this fear, I was angry. I didn't want to feel fear. I didn't want to worry about my boyfriend or his well-being and wonder if he's okay or wait by my phone for a text message and then worry when more than an hour has gone by. I wanted the bliss of all the love to overpower any feelings that I didn't want to feel. But it didn't quite happen that way and at times, it's still a struggle.
The thing is, allowing myself to love so deeply opens up such a vulnerable space in my heart that I sometimes am not sure how to fully surrender to it. The truth is, I love someone so much that I worry about them. And as I am getting deeper and deeper into these feelings and my new relationship, I am learning to accept the fear as part of the love.
I am realizing, every single day, that if I just allow myself to feel the fear and let myself be vulnerable to the fact that I am happier than I have ever been in my life - the fear lessens just a little. And when, for that moment, it releases, I have some clarity as to how I can actually use the fear to reframe how I live my life.
I think as human beings, we all have tendencies to be in a rush, be impatient or skip important steps. A lot of us like instant gratification and don't like to take the time to allow something to just be what it is. I wanted a vulnerable, open, loving and authentic relationship.
I wanted the love and honesty, openness and intimacy of looking deep into someone's eyes and seeing their soul and mine. I asked for this and whatever else comes with it is all just part of the package.
And even in this relationship that is still so new and fresh and beautiful, there have been moments where I have felt myself wanting to rush and "just get" to this point or that point so that I could feel "safe.
Not in dating or marriage or in any other sort of relationship. And I realized the other day, in the midst of a racing heart and a head full of spiraled fearful thoughts, that maybe it's actually the fear that is helping me stay present.
I know that things can happen and that things change all the time. I know I don't need to fear for someone's safety all the time, as I know it isn't healthy -- but at the same time, it reminds me to live in the moment and love as much as I can in every situation.
Maybe arguing over something meaningless or complaining about something silly makes sense in the moment, but when I really think about it, those little things don't matter.
There's a quote somewhere that says: I want to live and love this life with everything I have. All of the above behaviors are more likely to drive a partner away than keep them for the long haul. On the other hand, envisioning yourself marrying a person right away may cause you to overlook certain red flags or incompatibilities. My friend Francois put it well when he said "I was so excited by the 'icing' some of my girlfriends presented at the beginning that I completely ignored the fact that there was no 'cake" said charmingly with a French accent, of course.
For the definition of Cake, see Part 4: Be aware of what is true right now in this moment Leave out the past.
Reframing Relationship Fear: Living and Loving in the Moment | HuffPost Life
It's crucial - and I can't say this enough - to show up with fresh eyes in a new relationship. It's critical for the health of your relationship to see the person actually in front of you - rather than bringing in the shadow of a parent, former lover, or your own insecurities. When your partner does something that creates negative energy for you, write it down. Then try to assess whether you might be bringing energy from the past and whether this behavior feels consistent with other experiences with this person.
Try not to get ahead of yourself. Enjoy the time you're spending with your date or your partner in the moment. The only question you really need to ask yourself is "Do I want to keep spending time with this person? She found dating very frustrating. Now she's happy and in love with Alex, an amazing guy she's been dating for almost a year. Over brunch a number of months ago, I asked her what was different about Alex. She answered that Alex is wonderful, of course, but for the first time she stopped trying to assess if he could be her husband.
She just enjoyed each date in the moment and the only question she asked herself was "Do I want to keep spending time with him? Rather than worrying about breaking up or getting divorced in the future when something isn't working for you - be present and ask yourself what you can do right now in this moment to improve the relationship.
Perhaps it's being curious, discussing what's coming up for you, or redesigning the relationship together, just as Adam and Maya might have done.