My Indian parents will not accept my boyfriend. Please please help! - The Student Room
I had a similar dilemma with parents not accepting my boyfriend. . and choosing someone even if I am introduced by a family friend or something. . Literally every asian person I knew at uni was dating/drinking/doing drugs. Growing up with strict Indian parents, I found a way to find loopholes in their would often game share with her now boyfriend and play games. I'm Indian and I have been dating a white girl for about months. where I was first revealed to be a friend, then a serious boyfriend. . Additonally, I wouldn't beat the drums on introducing your GF to parents (or telling.
In India many parents still help arrange their adult children's marriages. When the OP says his parents "won't let" him go out at night, that is not because they are manipulative or he is not mature.
It's a cultural difference. I am not from India. I just have lots of first-gen and second-gen Indian friends. This situation with your parents not wanting you to leave the house may actually prove to be a good test of your relationship. Is your girlfriend willing to be patient with your situation? If you definitely feel that this woman is someone you want to be with long-term, then you may have to make a choice to move out of your parents' house and start supporting yourself earlier than you had planned to in order to make this relationship work.
In my experience it's uncommon for Indian parents to have such a hold on a child post age This way you'll be able to assert your boundaries better, because you'll have more autonomy over your life.
And seriously, you can't sleep over there as much as you're doing and still hide it. She's going to have to learn to sleep with a teddy bear or something, because all the sleepovers is an obvious red flag. You don't want to get busted and cut off for this right now, right?
This is going to be an exhausting, years-long battle, don't fight it with them until you absolutely have to. Make sure that you can take care of yourself first, and that your girlfriend is worth that. Maybe this will be seen by the mods as "not an answer to the question", but it's something I think about every time these questions come up. And I feel like it might be valuable advice for any young person facing parental disapproval.
Everyone, regardless of race, regardless of class, regardless of what country your parents are from, has to establish their own identity separate from their parents in order to become an adult. You just have to.
There is no way to not do this. Now, for some people -- and it's really hard to know whether you'll be one of those people, until you find yourself in this situation -- doing that is harder than you'd like it to be. I was one of those people, which is why I have a lot of feelings about it, over a decade later.
And so you come to a point. The point you're at right now. Your parents disapprove of something about your life, and they are not afraid to do batshit crazy stuff like forbid you from leaving the house in order to erase this thing they don't like about you.
You have two choices here. You can submit to them treating you like a nine year old. This probably sounds like the most attractive option right now, because the stakes aren't all that high and your parents have a degree of control over your life that makes rebellion inconvenient.
And I think for people who never had to face that fundamental disapproval, those people will always see this as the prudent choice. Or you can rip off the bandaid. Let them be disappointed. Let them rage, and try to ground you, and throw temper tantrums.
There's nothing they can really do to you to keep you from being who you are. And the thing about letting them rage is that, sooner or later, it won't seem so scary to you. Which will free you up to make the kinds of choices you need to make. Better to watch them throw tantrums over how many nights a week you go out, or your girlfriend's background, and see this behavior for what it is.
Now, it's true that your parents might kick you out or stop paying for school. You should definitely weigh all the consequences before you decide the time is right to rip off the bandaid.
Don't throw away a world class education for the sake of seeing your girlfriend that one extra night every week. If you don't have a couch you could crash on, a loan you could apply for, a job you could get, then maybe the time really isn't right. I was disowned by my parents when I was 19, over something that is really stupid in hindsight it also had to do with my dating life.
It was a really bad time in my life. But it also turned me into the adult I needed to become. And it was worth learning that disappointing your parents isn't the end of the world. They will be so relieved when they find out she's white! No, I'm just joking. When you're ready, you will experience what Sara C. Everyone has their own voice apart from their parents and the whole problem in your question is that yours isn't loud enough yet. Biologically I'm a part-Indian, part-German woman who grew up outside of Indian culture both cultures, really.
I really didn't know anything about Indian culture at all until university where I was roommates with an Indian woman from my high school. About five years ago she had an arranged marriage to an Indian man, with whom she completely and mutually fell in love with in the process of the engagement. He also happened to be the oldest son which meant they'd move in with his parents.
What It's Like to Date with Strict Indian Parents
Once the wedding was over, their marriage seemed to nosedive right into a dark period wherein her parents-in-law aggressively exalted their parental authority over them. For the first couple years their marriage suffered tremendously. However she maintained that she was in love with the man they had arranged her with, and she had already started her family with him. She and I had a single visit after she got married, wherein she confided her struggles and maintained her course of action.
This was followed by radio silence for a few years, with the odd message maybe once a year. Yes, compared to Western standards and through a Western lens we may describe this as dysfunctional, but interwoven in the choices of you and your parents truly is a value system plainly different from that of Western society. There's more than just dysfunction at work here -- there is a clash and blending of cultures on multiple fronts, which leads me to another nugget from my life experience I can share with you I also happen to have a German female cousin who married a Sikh-Indian man her high school sweetie.
You bet his parents reacted adversely to her from the onset, yet several years later my cousin and her beau and their three lovely boys are still here, still managing to navigate his parents. Sure, some things are still powerful points of contention the boys go to church, not the templebut consider this: And from my perspective, whether you go traditional or western in choosing a woman to be with, it seems to stand that regardless of whether she's a perfect ethnic fit or not, you will still have to contend with bringing your girlfriend into a strongly traditional family.
So just some food for thought from my perspective. I'd also like to add, do recognize that even though your girlfriend is "white" that doesn't mean she's necessarily lacking a possibly contentious cultural identity of her own. I know it wasn't easy for my German cousin on both fronts; she was from the proud German branch of the family and also had to maintain her choice of husband to her own relatives. Both women in these stories have my admiration for that.
In short, I think your best bet is to definitely wait until you're sure the relationship is serious, that this is the woman you want to marry, and that she is on the same page with you before introducing her to your parents. If you're truly serious about her, then building your own autonomy and getting out from under your parents' roof will without question make the process of introducing your parents to her go much more smoothly for all parties.
FWIW, I think it's quite an auspicious coincidence you posted this question today, as this morning for the first time in the four years since she married, I had lunch with my Indian friend. She's a happy mother of two, is still happy with her husband, and has found her power in balanced relation to the respect she has for her in-laws as well as her cultural identity. In fact we were chatting about the how "white is right" mentality can be almost poisonous to Indian identity, and how Westerners simply do not have all the answers.
Even if we can only start seeing each other once or twice a year, I know it's signal she's been figuring things out and that's fine by me. The crucial part of your story is that you live at home. Their house, their rules. They love you, but they can make your home life miserable if they find out. Plan on moving out. Plan on losing their financial support when you do tell them, and you should, but only after you move out.
Plan on them being angry and obstinate, maybe for a short time, maybe for a really long time. Plan on losing them, at least for a while. It will be painful, but it will be a necessary step in leaving the nest and making your own life.
Do you want to follow what your parents want or do you want to follow what you want in your life? You don't have to decide this tonight or tell your parents tonight. Finish school, get a job, move out of family home.
Gradually assert your independence. And, for the love of God, don't string a woman along for years just to settle with the parents wishes!
Or equally worse, marry the girl of parents choice, have kids, get frustrated with life and then start having affairs or hitting on other women to make up for what you "missed".
You can blame your parents and culture for only so long. Part of growing up means taking responsibility for your life and decisions. You haven't given us enough information to know if that's true. However they react though, taking responsibility for your own life and decisions is something you absolutely must do, background culture aside, and this will make any difficult experience in your life easier, whether it's this specific situation or not. Your parents love you.
Whenever they think about the people you're dating or will date, they are not just thinking about her. Their thoughts are tied in with their experiences coming to this country, their expectations of how she will interact with them, how they will interact with her parents, how the rest of your family will interact with her family, how both families will interact with your kids. But there is no doubt in their minds that they love you completely and that they want to love the person you end up with even if she's white, and they know it, because they have definitely considered that possibility — promise.
What It's Like to Date with Strict Indian Parents | Her Campus
And, while everyone has their opinions, I think that the whole idea of families coming together is a pretty awesome thing and should be preserved. Heck, in a Punjabi wedding we have the milni - literally "meeting" - ceremony where all the relatives meet each other before the bride and groom meet up for the ceremony.
My point is that I don't think the right method for you and your parents to work through the ups and downs of your dating life is through butting heads, stamping feet and ultimatums. The only method I've seen work in my family and for myself after 15 years of figuring it out through lots of butting heads, stamping feet and ultimatums with them is through love and kindness personally, I wish lots of problems in society were solved from that perspective but that's even more off topic.
Not to say that there won't be arguments or dark periods along the way — there most certainly will — but they want you to be happy from the perspective of love, and it's the best way for the whole thing to work when dealing with them. What that means for your present situation and whoever you date in the future is that you both need to love each other and, when you bring your relationship public, do it from the perspective of respect and kindness as a team.
How to deal with Indian parents when dating a Caucasian girl? - white girlfriend | Ask MetaFilter
As I mentioned before, I dated and introduced my parents to non-Indian girls I had serious relationships with. Some, they really liked and some they really hated. In hindsight, the girls they liked eventually, and often with many false starts, but eventually were the ones where our relationship was built on love and respect for each other and our mutual respect for those around us.
Naturally, that's not just "an Indian thing", but for your parents it's the only way they can approach the issues around who you're with. So, when I suggested waiting to tell them, I'm mainly saying that there's no immediate rush to tell them.
Figure out your relationship with the girl, figure out what you both want now and in the future. Basically, build a strong relationship with the person you're with then approach your parents with some of the strategies I suggested above.
The part where she's not Indian will be really tough for them, but at least you and her will have figured your own stuff out before approaching your parents. She will certainly need to be strong through it and should be willing to be strong with you. Therefore you may want to have the discussion around when he plans to tell his parents, although this can be a touchy topic. At least you can then determine whether this is what you want.
Though what if he is just not serious about you? There are many key signs that can help you determine if this is the reason. He might not necessarily have an arranged marriage however it may be expected that he marry into his culture. If he is aware of his parent's wishes and knows he will be shun from the family, he might not be willing to do this ever. Therefore plans to marry within his culture later in life when he is ready. However in the interim he is quite happy with having you for company.
Many Indian parents give approval to their sons to go and have fun while they are young as long as they return home later to marry a good Indian girl. Being kept a secret from your partners family can be challenging, especially if it leads to doubts of where his loyalty lays.
You don't want to be strung along only to have your heart broken but you also don't want to doubt your partner if he is the real deal.
So it's best to use your intuition and understand that there is possibly a valid reason why you are still a secret. It isn't always indicative of him playing the field. Indian guys are of a marriageable age once they have finished their education and have a steady job. Even if the wife intends to continue working, it is widely thought that the Indian guy must "stand on his own two feet" and be able to financially support his wife. So, before being deemed "marriageable", he'd have to at least be working for a year or so.
If your Indian boyfriend is still in school, still financially relying on his family - then it's nearly impossible to tell the parents at that time.How My Parents React to Someone I'm Dating
The waiting game during this time is hard - but you have no choice. There's a distinct order No "love talk" It is taboo in many traditional Indian families to speak of love, lust, dating, or members of the opposite sex in front of your parents. Traditional Indian elders are very taboo about dating, sexuality, and public displays of affection - especially before marriage. Not openly discussing one's feelings means there is so much that is kept hidden, and secret.
Secrets are commonplace Unless something is absolutely certain to happen, people will usually keep it a secret.
In Western culture, secrets are seen as being something to be embarrassed of. In traditional Indian culture, it's a norm, because there is so much that cannot be expressed openly. If your Indian boyfriend is keeping you a secret until he finishes his studies, do not feel embarrassed. It may be that he is protecting both you, and him from harassment for the time being.
I know from experience - "girlfriend" status as a foreigner - can be treated by some as no better than dirt on the road! Plant the seed first The best way to tell Indian parents is to first tell that you have "a foreign friend". That way the parents are alerted of your existence and have their radar up. Not only that, but it gives traditional parents time to get used to your existence in their child's life.
To be kept absolutely secret is not a good thing. Give the parents time to get used to the idea. Indian parents know much more than they let on!